narcked out!

i felt my foot stepping harder on the accelerator. my mind was racing. i just couldn't handle what i was hearing. impossible, i thought. it couldn't be. how could i? i'm, i'm... self effacing, i screamed in my head! but as my brother continued to run through his list, his observations carefully gathered over the many years, he slowly began to expose me. i felt myself squirm in my seat. i grew more and more uncomfortable but did nothing to stop kuya. i instead urged him to say more. blame it on my sadistic penchant for pain, i listened to his report. part of me agreed to all that he was saying, yet my agreement was mixed in with an almost violent internal reaction. in the end, i submitted myself to what was almost a solid arguement. kuya had just brought out to the surface that i actually am a narcissist.

just to prove how right he is, here i am, writing about it as well. ugh. how shameful. ugh, me commenting on it to get sympathy, EVEN MORE SHAMEFUL!!!!

in consolation however, kuya said, trying his best to pacify my now deflated demeanor, and probably to keep us from getting killed since my agitation was very obvious now in my driving, he said i was at least, a closeted narcissist.... the more subtle, more intelligent variety. UGH! i'm BACK in the closet, AGAIN????!!!!

poofing up my ego by convincing myself that i'm actually smarter and more conniving... HOW SO NARCISSISTIC. narcs have great potential to be manipulators you know. ugh....

it no longer has to be said how bothered i am about learning this about myself. don't get me wrong, i appreciate the honest observation for truly, i doubt i would have ever seen myself in such light but after what my kuya said, and after reading about narc's, and after realing he's right, it's disturbing me greatly. i literally felt as if the rug was pulled under my feet. it was just supposed to be a casual, benign conversation about ppl's roles in relationships, but no... i had my gun pointed back at my and my brother having me pull the trigger!

my head hurts just thinking about it. hahahahaha. it's funny in a VERY not so funny way. what to do? what to do? i have been called many things in my life but NEVER a narc, and of all things, THIS i what i am reacting the worst to!

ugh....

UGH!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!!!!