looking for Eureka

it has been a habit of mine to often drift into introspection, even while in conversation with people. it almost seems like a moment when my person would unconsciously split into two, the other still very much present in where ever it is that i am, while the other would take a step back, observe and ruminate. i guess this is me trying to be efficient. trying to make the best of my present and learn as much as possible, before i get distracted, before forgetfulness fully takes away whatever gem of wisdom there is to be learned at that moment.

i don't know if this is really normal. i must admit, now that i have put it into words, it does sound kind of strange. but despite all this, i think, i am sane enough to say that i do certain things because they work, for me at least. i am not really the type who asks questions much. i often am too embarrassed to do so. i instead listen... and watch... and feel. i guess this is when splitting into two becomes handy for i can still stay to interact, while at the same time, process all the data i gather through my interactions.

then, there will be moments wherein, i think, a third person would come to play as well. mr. eureka, him who realizes and crystallizes all that i have gathered. funny, i think this is dexter (my intuitive self) all grown up.

* * * * *

i was with marlon and angelo one evening, having coffee after a good meal. while waiting for the rains to let up, i asked a question that was partly word-vomit, partly venting. bad people seem to have always have all the fun, the last laugh and well, their heart's desire. it's been a long grudge i have had against the fates and i guess, i have never really gotten a good enough answer to stop asking the question.

it's not really of me to share something as intimate as this, yet i guess the growing frustration i have had over the years about this issue made me decide on looking for other avenues to get my answers. the fact that i still use the terms "bad" and "good" clearly says of how old this question is.

that evening, with three minds cooperating, my question still remained unanswered.

i think i have to meditate on this question for a few years more.