Thursday, July 31, 2008
was browsing for youtube vids to distract me by when i chanced upon this one. at first i though this was another timbaland collaboration since it does have that familiar beat. you could only imagine my disbelief when i found out that this is completely ASIAN! korean to be exact. galing!!!! i love it! funny, if you listen carefully, you could catch a few instances wherein the boys have some difficulty enunciating some of the english words. o well, galing pa rin! :)
sigh... mga kampon kong mga chinks!!!! wassup!!!??? when are we coming up with stuff like this, yo? :) enjoy nalang muna. so beautiful by korean boy band big bang.
chatting with kuya one dinner time regarding a pal whose name he has become familiar with. i asked him if a friendship really does exist if the other party never seems to be emotionally available when the need arises for a "shoulder to cry on", or even rest your head on at least? it has been my observation that on the moments when said pal needed company, out of loyalty and good faith, i always rise to the occasion. however, on the very rare occasions wherein i needed such gestures to be reciprocated, said pal never seems to be available.
kuya being my ever objective pillar of sanity and reason was clear, though now that i'm writing about it, the answer seems to be pretty obvious as well. i have stumbled upon, yet again, at another emotional vampire.
in my state of disinhibition last night, i emailed the said pal stating (not complaining, as vikki would always put it) my honest feelings on the matter. i have been having second thoughts whether or not it was wise to gamble a possible friendship on things as trivial as this. either it was because of my lack of sleep or the fact that my superego really didn't give a shit anymore that i clicked SEND after writing a very long letter. i guess the word there to consider is "possible". it wasn't that much of a friendship if the care was only uni-directional, was it? also, there is nothing trivial about the matter. emotional parasitism is never a pleasant thing, especially if you are the one on the receiving end.
alleged pal was prompt to reply, something i found quite surprising since i often have to wait hours whenever i send messages. email reply stated that "pareho lang tayong malungkot". email reply also stated that i was invited to watch a movie but i chose to decline the offer. ok. (deep breaths... and GO!) first, i cannot understand what connection there is between me asking for support and us being simultaneously depressed. should i? would it actually kill a person if i by some self preserving drive ask that i be shown an iota of attention? would it actually kill a person to ask someone to be altruistic, to me of all people, after all i have done in the past? also, when i made it VERY apparent (i have learned that subtle hints don't work with this person) that i was sad and in need of some comfort, i didn't really ask for uber pampering and consolation. to be honest, a simple word of encouragement could have sufficed. how much effort does it really take to do something like that, i wonder? a few taps on the keypad, then send. not really like moving the sierra madre mountain range you know..... regarding the movie invite... i originally obliged. i only backed out since i discovered there were also family relatives in tow. let's see, MORE emotional vampires? thanks, but really... no, thanks. i'd rather score my wrist with a blunt spoon and listen to mystica singing opera.
so now here i am. worked up and quite so "inis at galit".
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
also, the author of the clip, i discovered, had a compilation of parodies wherein he sings to movie themes. here is a sample where he sings to the theme of the batman movie. check out his site for more hilarious takes.
vikki left for turkey to be in the company of her BF today. spent the afternoon with her yesterday with friends but decided to cut it short when she invited me to have dinner with her family. i thought that it was better that she be with her family last, without distractions.
life is quiet again. it is quite unsettling i think, for despite the occasional chaos that vikki contributes in my life, those moments were some of the most memorable. i miss them and i am already missing her. i am missing her high pitched voice. missing her out of this world views of how the world works (or how it should). most of all, i am missing her company and the closeness of only one who knows you very well can offer. she will be back on december with the oz and i can only wait till then. i wish her all the happiness in this chapter of her life. may all the joy i am channeling towards her dispel all sense of sadness that may come her way from being so far away from home and family.
take care vikki, i am only an email, YM, or skype away.
Monday, July 28, 2008
i have to say, the movie is indeed impressive in so many levels. first thing's first. heath's take on the character of the joker was very well executed, leading us see the joker's character in a whole new level. he was darker, more malevolent, more INSANE, sans the usual clown get-up. i wouldn't totally agree with my brother saying that he was better than jack nicholson but his performance is definitely noteworthy. you can't really compare the two in my opinion since it's like 2 different jokers. heath's joker was a more realistic joker, how one would be if he really existed, if something so insanely evil was walking in our midst. tim burton's joker was a fantastic one, an homage to the comic book character, a reinvention of the joker back to the time of adam west but not veering too far from it, thereby, nicholson's portrayal was spectacular as well.
i liked how the film was made and how the story went. the plot was very well written, the lines we not cheesy and the acting, well, very very good. what especially helped, and i hope i was not the only one to notice was the score, the orchestral accompaniment. it was not too showy and yet present throughout the entire movie. it carried the mood and kept the excitement up. honestly, i feel chill when i remember it in my head, like an intoxicating buzz.
over all, i cannot have enough praises for the movie and i sure hope that they still have plans of continuing with other movies of the same caliber. sad that this is the movie where heath passed shortly after. immortalized in film and in memories of his genius performance, his shoes will be a monstrous task to fill.
dinner at people's palace to satiate my brother's craving for thai food after the movie.
cute caucasian fellow caught my eye, most especially since he kept glancing at our table. i hope it was not because we were two people eating enough food for 4! hehehehe.
mom is stranded in caticlan on route from boracay. they were supposed to fly out last night but due to bad weather and looming nightmares of MV princess of the stars, no one was willing to risk it even if the storm was not as strong as Frank. got a call from her that cebu pacific booked them in this inn near the airport that had no a/c in the rooms. mom can be a cowgirl naman so i'm sure she's long suffering and can take the minor inconveniences of being NOT IN THE CITY. i sure hope the other people in her troupe are as gung-ho. well, we shall soon find out. it's still raining and mom has fears of flying especially domestic, with their rickety planes and bad food (if any). i'm expecting to hear earfuls when they arrive later sometime before lunch.
i had probably a truly eventful weekend if i may say so myself. saturday started with a call from my glorious lola asking if i could spare time to see her. apparently, she was washing her hand and as she was flicking them dry, she flicked too hard that one of her fingers dislocated! she assured me that she was fine besides a bit of pain and swelling. the finger reduced itself but she's complaining that moving it hurts and would like me to give my expert opinion on the matter. drive like the wind naman lola mo (referring to me). my grandma kasi has a penchant of downplaying the severity of situations. blame it on my family's habit of not wanting to inconvenience anyone of our problems. though i was pretty sure that her incident was not that serious, for both of our peace of minds, it was best for me to check. thankfully so, it was nothing a bit of icing and athletic taping can't handle. she now has a temporarily splinted "fuck you" finger, hehehe, well, i always knew my grandma was a toughy!
next in my saturday agenda was site visit. met up with des, my fabric wall contractor for lunch. they were installing my fabric wall today and i wanted to be there to see it go up, just in case. good thing i was since there were issues that needed my immediate action on (we ran out of fabric for one) as well as minor changes that we addressed on site. at the end of the day, my fabric wall looks FAB and i can't wait for my lamps to go up to complete the look!!! great work des!!!! bravo!
sweaty, dusty, sticky and haggard from site, i had to do a quick makeover for dinner with my client. she's a great cook and richie and i have been hearing tales of her excellent thai cooking (my client is not thai, she's SWISS), so much so that we could not help ourselves but ask if she could find it in her heart to have us sample some. needless to say, she was more than happy to oblige. dinner was set saturday at 7pm at her place in the fort. i changed my shirt, waxed up my hair and made sure i had potent perfume! was supposed to wash up at the toilet on site but the building locks up the washrooms after 5 to conserve water... hence, PAGPAG had to do.
the dinner was AMAZING!!!!! we had thai beef salad, tom yum, green chicken curry, pineapple fried rice (IN THE PINEAPPLE!!), and steamed garoupa. they were quite amazed as to how much i was eating since i was already on my THIRD helping when i started to slow down. my gluttony EXPOSED, how embarrassing. but how could have i resisted? i have been starving the entire day and have been sniffing rugby for 7 hours due to my workers fixing my fabric wall. of course the food being absolutely delicious was of no help. we capped the dinner off with some wine. though i knew i had absolutely no tolerance for alcohol, i thought that it wouldn't hurt to have a bit. i was extremely full anyway so i was sure absorption would be kept at bay. i was so wrong.
in no less time of my having my first glass did the room start to spin. i felt flushed and my feet feet swollen. everyone was looking at me since i looked like a ripe tomato apparently. i felt red and i was. i was poured a second glass but was only able to drink half. why i didn't stop at glass no. 1, well, my decision making skills was impaired obviously. i can't really say if i was behaving unusually. all i can do was focus all my energies to keeping myself from tipping over when i stood up. we called it a night at midnight. we thanked our host and bid her goodbye. walking was a bit difficult and i thank goodness that i was so red that ppl hardly noticed (obviously distracted with the site of me being so red!). the weather was horrible outside, the storm was in full swing and it was raining cats and dogs and practically every other domestic animal. now, driving in the rain with little visibility was bad enough, try doing it TIPSY!!! i must have looked like a schizophrenic while driving since i was chanting out loud every single driving rule i could think off to prevent me from dying (eg. stay on your lane, maintain your speed, brake slowly, yada, yada) and praying at the same time (lord... keep the idiota pedestrians in tonight!!!!). i got home in one piece thankfully. i promised myself, i will never drink again. i also have my allergic wheals to remind me of that promise.
saturday down, sunday to go! major updates na to!!!
Friday, July 25, 2008
either the subject is just playing with those poses or she has been severely misinformed by reading far too many fashion magazines (far worse, she really looks like that even OFF CAM)! me thinks it's the "severely misinformed" bit since some of the other subjects of the pictures below seem to have caught on with her rather peculiar display (see pics 3, 6 and 10!), then again, i would think that since they compiled the pics below, they definitely wanted to drive a point across. anyway, if by some unforeseen chance this post of this innocent by-stander finds its way back to the subjects of the photos below, please know that all of you have definitely brightened my day, enough for a month or even more, i reckon. also, do know that i am not laughing at you but WITH you.... photog's here, quick!!! everyone say "queso de BOLAH!!!!" bwahahaha, GOD, what did you guys take in that party!!!!????
Thursday, July 24, 2008
before vikki jane martin ranada (i have this thing of referring to people by their full names, she hates it tho since it makes her feel like she's in trouble. i know the feeling, all i can say is that she thank her lucky stars she doesn't have a chinese name!) left for davao, i asked her, not really seriously, if she could bring me home some durian. she has always told me stories of how great davao's durian tastes so i thought it would be nice to share in some of that experience. of course, as i said, i wasn't that serious since i know how difficult it is to transport durian, more so, how it is close to impossible to bring it on a flight. for all of you MARTIANS out there, durian is a large tropical fruit notorious for its rather pungent smell, often likened to the stench of 5 week old smelly socks. the husk is covered with very tough, sharp thorns, definitely not something u would want to drop on your head when you're having an isaac newton moment. due to its repulsive smell, people of "ehem" weaker constitutions stay clear of it while more adventurous gourmands like myself are drawn to the stink like flies to garbage... not that it smells like garbage... nor that i look like a fly. please lang noh!
only a few people in my family have been brave enough to actually like consuming this misunderstood fruit. there's my fanatic aunt who would smuggle durian in her louis vuitton bag if needed just so she can have her helpings (my uncle is not a fan, obviously, hence her resorting to smuggling). there's my grandma who would have extra late night snacks, her only way of enjoying the fruit without driving everyone away. then there's my cousin who, though i can't really say CRAVES for it, but since he likes to eat, found durian to be no exception. my mom, who grew to like durian since we once lived in the same house as my grandma and my smuggling aunt. and finally, there is me, the youngest in the brood of durian fans.
anyway... vikki was kind enough to remember my request, though her often unusual practical sense kicked in again. this time, it was in the form of a pie... in fairness, durian pie naman siya. it was an impulse buy from the airport, something that she picked up in conjunction with her durian hopias. the hopias were not that good apparently so she's asking me for my feedback on the pie. well.... really don't know what to expect with durian pie since i have never had one before. but if i were to say anything about it, it would simply be ORGASMIC!!
i have warned people at home that in case they open the fridge and it smells like a rotting corpse inside that they have nothing to fear coz it's just a pie. had my brother give it a taste since i was raving about it like a druggie who cheated on his rehab. he gave up after taking one bite. o well ahya, more for me! yehey!!!
thanks vik for the sweet, delicious gesture. though i can again imagine how this is going to wreck havoc on my diet. my cousin aptly put my woes in words... "a second in the lips, a lifetime in the hips".
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
1. my project is under construction in legaspi village. we were able to turn over for my client's use, one room for the meantime while the rest is still in the works. i am excited, anxious, nervous and elated all at the same time. so much so that i find myself visiting the site almost everyday even if gas prices are gonna soon drive me to bankruptcy.
2. i recently noticed a pattern to my mornings, not that surprised since i am a creature of habit. it goes something like this. wake up... take my morning meds... turn on the PC.... turn on YM.... check emails... check multiply, check facebook, check friendster (in that order)... then check my usual blog haunts for their updates. by the time i finish, 30 mins have elapsed and i can now take in food (my meds require me to take them 30 mins prior to any meal).
3. a friend confided in me a story of heartache. met someone online, fell for the schmuck but the other person did not reciprocate. he is now semi-depressed. i guess getting brushed off as insignificant is never a good feeling, most especially if you invested prematurely in the person.
4. befriended my client's VERY expensive $12,000 USD toy. she got for her company a body analyzer that measures the amount of muscle, fat, water, and mineral content of your body, per body part and tells you if your body is in its ideal state based on your height and weight. VERY HI-TECH!! so far, i need to loose 1.3 kg more of fat and gain 1.3 kg more of muscle. i am quite close to my ideal body weight though and am in excellent physical condition. YEHEY FOR ME!!!
5. i have been eating like a pig for the past 3 days straight. 3 dinner engagements 3 nights in a row. i doubt after all of that gluttony, i would still be in peak form.
6. my favorite jean store is now open in manila. SALSA is a Portuguese brand that recently opened in the midtown wing of robinson's manila. i got my first pair while i was in dubai and i have to say, i LOVE IT! i love it so much, i don't want to wear it too often cause i don't want to ruin the wash.
7. the dimensione store in bonifacio hi street is now open. though only the ground floor is operational, i have a feeling the place is gonna kick ass when the whole building is finished. i LOVE IT!!!! if i had a place to decorate using their stuff... its like gonna look like the showroom!!! that's how much i love their stuff!!!
8. mamma mia was so-so. dark knight has yet to be seen.
9. i just saw someone who is a dead ringer for takeshi kaneshiro. i think he's the BF of a distant relative of mine. crap.... what a beautiful boy. i think he noticed that i kept looking at him. well.. he kept looking at me as well so THERE!!!!
10. gas prices, though is killing me softly, has made travel time for me from manila to makati, go down from my usual 1 hour trip to 45 mins. sadly, the price hike had no effect on the IQ levels of pedestrians as well as pedicab drivers. it too had no effect on my urge to rid the world of them, once and for all for the good of everyone.
Friday, July 18, 2008
caught myself speeding today (how it was possible in TONDO, only God knows) because i was trying my best to get to chinatown before the clock strikes 3, fridays being coding day for me. since the geniuses that rule my side of the city never bothered to consider urban planning and traffic flow as important things to consider, it often takes me a good 15 mins of meandering the small streets and tutuban before i find myself in any major road. add to that all the laid back people who take their leisurely time walking and the pedicabs who think they can out run an SUV in full throttle, then my time goes up to 20 mins.
trust the pedestrians and these modern day rickshaw drivers to make an already stressful situation even more unbearable. times like these i really wished i drove a hummer with a scooper for a bumper. these people.. i swear, LORD grant me UNLIMITED PATIENCE!!!! never mind if ur honking at them. never mind that you are warning them of a painful and severely unpleasant, mangling death. never mind if you are inches away from breaking every single bone in their bodies and permanently infusing them into the cheaply laid asphalt below!!! never mind all of that, coz goodness me, their slow, indecisive, irresponsible, inconsiderate cadence to no where in particular is SO much more important than their lives!!!
by the time i got to the end of the tutuban roundabout, it was 2:50 already and i didn't want to risk getting myself pulled over by a hungry, over weight cop. after cussing my head off in the privacy of my car, i drove my sorry ass back home. wasted my time, wasted my gas, wasted my day. i was supposed to have left earlier to meet my supplier to return some items, but upon his advice, he told me to better meet him after lunch, around 2. i got home, called my guy up and apologized and asked if i could reschedule for tomorrow. he said no problem. i told him i'll pass by first thing in the morning. a sudden hesitation in his voice. he said the reason he moved our meeting to 2pm was because it was bad luck to transact returns in the morning. surprised at his reason, i told him i'm buying stuff to offset the bad karma and i'll see him tomorrow. i hung up the phone. i slowly sat on my chair. i took a deep breath. my mom walks by and sees me. she wonders what's bothering me but decides not to ask since from the look of my face, i was the poster boy for pure lividity.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
i first saw this from an ad featuring roger federer and it was like love at first sight. talk about lusting for something you know you will NEVER have.... (sigh). my precious.... the 50 cm hermes HAC birkin.
Monday, July 14, 2008
you guys remember the cult classic sci-fi thriller "THE FLY" right? made popular by its 1986 remake starring jeff goldblum and geena davis. well.... the director of that movie, david cronenberg, together with placido domingo (yes, THE placido domingo) and composer howard shore just turned the film into an OPERA (say WHAT!?), also entitled "THE FLY"(no eff'n WAY!!!).
i really don't know how to handle this news. well, yeah i do.... "what the HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!!??".
check out the official website react for yourself.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
in fairness to the guy, i almost cried after watching the video... i really did. i'm such a softy.
here's the first one he did that made him famous.
here's the second one that almost made me cry.... enjoy.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Oh my GOD!!!! i cannot help it but think of the bajillion jokes that are gonna come out of this. hehehe, take that maderfackers!!!! bwahahaha!! there are new homeys in the hood!!!
the past week has been VERY busy for me. for starters (and this is in no particular order of significance, ok), vikki is back in town (yey!). not wanting to spare myself a single moment of not being with her while she's in town, we have been practically glued together since the morning she arrived. experience has taught me that with this woman, better make time now than later coz LORD ONLY KNOWS where she'll be by then, i mean, later.
i have also seen my project go on full throttle this week and my client and i (well, mostly I) have been on a spending spree getting things for the studio. in a matter of just a few minutes, she made a lot of companies VERY HAPPY with her purchases... very happy indeed. i'm just hoping and praying that that happiness continues till the end. despite the lightning pace we're working at, i cannot help but feel this lump in my throat that won't seem to go away.
been going out to have meals in restos i have never been before, courtesy of my brother and having vikki around. first stop was blue ginger (i think) in power plant for lunch with vikki. asian fusion cuisine that fell flat on its face as far as presentation is concerned i'm afraid. taste was good but then again, what more can you really expect when having lentils? service was ok though there were moments wherein i could not help but think if the staff really knew what they were doing. i'm giving them a chance to redeem themselves since i was also sick while we were there so i could have just been extra bitchy and hard to please. though how i will convince myself to dine there again is up to the gods for now.
we had dinner at TOSCA at the dusit thani with kuya and vikki that same day. we were supposed to go to benjarong that night but since paquiao was there, the place was fully booked (i think i wrote about this already, o well). very good italian food i have to say, and quite healthy servings as well. a bit pricey but well worth it if u want to dine to impress, especially if u wanna POP the question to ur significant other. a bit cliche but hey, might as well take advantage of the only thing that's free there, the ambiance. look for our server (what a HOOT!), i'm sure she'll only be too glad to help you conspire!!!! :)
2 days later, with kuya's undeterred spirit, we finally got in at benjarong, now sans vikki but with mother dearest instead. on the opposite table was bianca araneta-whatshername, joey mead and her cute man and some other people i never bothered to know. why i needed to point this out, la lang, just for me to remember. kuya went gaga over ordering food. i was too sick to fully appreciate the rich flavors but by the looks of how kuya was practically inhaling the pad thai, i'm presuming it's really good stuff. of all that we ordered, i liked my lemon grass tea the best :) definitely helped making me feel better. price was ok too, not as expensive as tosca but kinda felt bitin with the servings... not that i eat that much.
M cafe... what can i say? had dinner with richie, ian and vikki the other night. what was supposed to be a gathering of the gang that became an intimate dinner for 4. remind me NEVER to organize a dinner again... sayang lang sa TEXT!!!!!! anyway. we originally were gunning for italiannis since vikki and i felt that it was best in handling large groups plus the fact that we were both broke. since our number dwindled down to 4, richie suggested to try somewhere else (he's back to being a full carnivore since finishing his protein less diet for his "cleansing procedure") and M cafe was the suggestion. we just came from the museum and having dinner at a cafe felt soooo appropriate :) so-so portions, so-so taste, and so-so interiors later, we get served a bill that could have at least fed 10 people (and fed them WELL) if we ate at KFC, which i did after we had dinner. funny... vikki made a comment later to me saying " no wonder rich people here are so skinny, food is so expensive!!!". very well said.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
definitely a sight for sore eyes! 7 months i waited. 7 long months. now she's back and i am simply thrilled!!!! the day's agenda started with lunch first. we decided to just jeep it. we walk out to the street, vikki sticks out her hand, hails a jeep. we get on. jeep goes in the opposite direction... we were on the wrong jeep. yes... vikki and her spontaneous acts of pure GENIUS!!!! why am i not surprised.
got off again at buendia and walked under the noon time heat to ayala. all the eateries were full except for coffee bean. in we go. a few minutes later, melissa calls. turns out, she spotted us walking :) guess no more surprise, huh? viks and i ended up going to power plant. walked around and got her sister's gift from hobbes. had lunch at this place called blue ginger.
went back to her flat to rest at around 4.
caught up on old times and talked and talked.
realized it was already 7pm. we better get moving. my brother was treating her out to dinner.
we went to pick up her sister. went to greenbelt and got picked up by my brother.
we went to dusit thani and was supposed to eat at benjarong but the place was full since pacquiao was there. had dinner at tosca instead. OMG... italian food never tasted soooo good!
dropped off vikki at her flat soon after dinner. drove off wishing sana the day could have been longer. haaaay.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Something warm was crawling down my face. It was wet. Where am I? An eerie silence surrounded me, almost as if time had stopped. I knew I was lying down but could not feel my body. Am I dead? I was conscious yet I somehow felt as if I was in a dream. Strange, I though. It was a lonely, lonely feeling like I was the last person on earth yet however I was not bothered by my apparent isolation. I tried to talk but could not. I tried to move but could not. I tried to open my eyes but my eyelids stayed shut. In my incapacity, all I could do was listen, smell, feel, taste. The warmth found its way into my lips. It tasted like rust, no, blood.
The air was arid and thick and made my breathing difficult. It smelt unusual, I reckoned, almost like bad, burnt vegetable soup. How I made that odd connection, I don't really know. I don't recall what bad burnt vegetable soup smells like, actually. To be honest, I don't recall anything at all. My mind was a complete blank, devoid of any trace of memory. I tried to concentrate thinking maybe this would jump start something in my head, create a spark that would help me make sense of all this, whatever this might be. But my mind would not follow. It ran empty rolls, blanks after blanks. I gave up after a couple of futile tries, my head hurting after. Bad vegetable soup, the analogy made me grin. Having no memories at all, I thought, I really shouldn't be so judgmental. How do I really know what bad is, I wondered, if I don’t know what bad is? I really didn't want to make brash rationalizations so soon. Not now, not yet, not while I am here in this alien state. I wanted to know as much as I can of my surroundings as it felt very necessary. There was an indescribable urgency to it, almost like it was a matter of life and death.
Something moved in the distance. I felt it. It made a rumbling sound and then, it fell, crashing. I felt bits of sharp pieces hit the side of my face, the air then grew thicker. I started to gasp and gag. I tried to inhale but couldn't, my chest was restricted. I tried to stay calm but my frantic efforts to breath got the better of me. I started to panic and hyperventilate. I could feel, hear my heart beat faster. Each strong thump made a deafening sound in the dead silence, like a rhythm, a count down to some unforeseen doom. I tried to move but my commands were ignored. I then started to cry. Since I came to, this was the first time I felt fear. I had to do something, my life depended on it, I thought. I struggled but could not overcome. God help me!!! I cried in my head. I screamed. Then everything fell quiet again.
"Jonathan? Jonathan?" "Who’s Jonathan?" "I don't know, it just felt like something I should say. Jonathan." "What sort of joke is that, saying a name for no reason?" "It’s no joke. What’s in a name anyway, for all you know, I could be saying something in a different language and it may mean "how do you do?” wouldn't that be a reason to saying it now?" "But it isn't, it's a name! Jonathan!" "I’m fine. Thank you for asking."
I could feel something warm on my face, but it was not wet. I sensed light but I could not yet see. I tried to open my eyes again and this time, my lids obeyed, even if for a brief moment. I saw a sliver, a ray. It shone through what seemed like heavy clouds on a dark stormy day. The light was pure, sharp and strong. Dust floated about like fairies dancing in its flame. I tried to reach for it but my body was still stubborn. My eyelids grew heavy once again. As the darkness slowly swallowed me, I tried to remember what the light looked like. I have something to remember, I thought. Something...
"Where is this?" "Don’t you know?" "Would I be asking you if I did, that's a rather stupid question?" "Well, my apologies, I just presumed that your powers of observation would have been enough. Guess I was wrong." "Well, I think I have an idea, I just wanted a second opinion." "For what?" "For here!" “Where exactly do you think are we?" "Hmm, the place feels familiar, like I have been here many times before." "Yes... go one." "But one thing doesn’t feel right though." "What is that may I ask?" "Everything here feels familiar except you. You don't seem to fit in any of this." "Really now? shame..."
I heard myself moaning. A dull pain grew all over my person as I was starting to feel my body. I was pinned down. I tried to focus on what was impeding my movement but could not make sense of it. It was hard, heavy, sharp and cold. I ached on my back and legs and the pain only grew as I tried to shift in my position. I opened my eyes again, this time with not as much effort anymore. Strange, I still could not see yet I know my eyes were open. I was lost in the deep darkness. I tried to find the light but turning my head only made me hurt and breathing, more difficult. I lay there still with my breath and my heartbeat keeping me company. Where am I, I asked. I tried to call, shout, but no voice came out. My throat was parched and all I could do was moan and grunt. I started to cry and shake, the fear slowly building again.
"And what are you doing now?" "Something." "Something? What sort of something?" "You tell me, I see many people do this all the time. You sit like this, then you put your hands together like so, and then you whisper something into the air, like telling a secret. I have seen some talk loud, some even cry but this way I see most often. I actually like this the best, it’s quieter. I still don't understand what it’s for though." "Why are you doing it then?" "Honestly, I just felt like it was something I needed to do right now, like something in me is telling me to ask something. I’m just following it." "You’re strange you know that. Saying names for no reason, and doing things just because...” “So you say, but I think I don't do things just because you know.”
I suddenly gasped for air! I felt a surge into my chest, a forceful inflation. I presume it has been a while since I breathed in this deep for I started coughing violently. I felt my throat to be raw and the taste of blood filled my mouth. My body jerked with each spastic exhale and the pain shot me into full consciousness. What is happening to me, I tried to speak but still could not. I started to cry. The fear within me was building again but I tried to muster all my strength to keep it at bay. My whimpering made echoes in my confines and hearing myself somehow calmed me down. Something was different, I realized. The darkness, it was broken! I tried to find where she was and found her there, waiting for me patiently, the ray that I remember.
I gazed at her, mesmerized at her beauty. She rested there, shining, a vision. She illumined a pool that stood beneath her feet sending shards of light everywhere. They frolicked like her children, newly born to the world. I watched them dance, enchanted. I started to laugh. They are beautiful my love, I wanted to say. I chuckled even if it hurt me. It was the least I could do in my predicament, I thought. I laughed and closed my eyes. Another memory, something more for me to remember.
“How long are we going to wait here?” “Not too long I hope.” “You hope? Do you have any idea how long we actually have to sit here?” “I think I do, but I’m not yet quite sure. But don’t worry; I’ll definitely let you know when.” “So what do we do till then?” “We wait of course. What else is there to do?” “How can you say that? Don’t you get restless? I’m getting anxious just thinking about it right now!” “Anxious? How can you be anxious?” “How can I not! We have been here almost for an eternity and all you can tell me is we will just wait? What if it never comes? What if we stay here forever!?” “Do you know how long forever is?” “Yes! A very long time!” “No, I mean have you ever experienced how long forever is?” “Well, um, no! You know what I mean; it’s just a figure of speech!!” “Very well, figure this speech then for a change…. Shut up! You’re messing with my waiting.”
She was still there, though she looked weaker, fainter than before. I wanted to ask her if there was anything wrong but something else caught my eye… something that was directly in front of me. I looked at it intently but could not make full sense as to what it is. A glimmer from the pool shone on it and I could see shadows and shapes and colors too, none though felt familiar. The light shifted again and it shone on me this time. I could see a bit of my chest and my arms. I learned that I was covered in a thick crust and was bloodied all over. Seeing myself injured made me start to panic again, I tried to move, I tried to feel for the rest of my body but all I could do was hurt all over. Something rumbled again that made me stop moving. The light flickered as dust started to drain in to my prison. I heard the same noise again, this time it was louder. My chest grew tight as I tried to brace myself… this is it, I thought. I screamed!
“Why are you crying?” “I don’t know. I’m sad I guess.” “Why so? Did anything happen?” “None that I can recall, maybe just a spontaneous burst of irrational emotions manifesting itself by lacrimation, I reckon.” “Where did that come from?” “I don’t know, I never ever thought I could be so cerebral!” “That wasn’t so cerebral. For once actually, you made perfect sense.” “Why, thank you very much. Coming from you who seemed like complaining is a second language, I should really be flattered!” “Funny. You make me sound like I’m a grumpy old man.” “But you do sound like one you know, and I really don’t understand why, I recall you were quite joyful once upon a time.” “Once upon a time is the operative word. I guess age does that to a person. You tend to see things differently and the world suddenly changes. The grass doesn’t look as green, the sky not as blue, the sun not as shining, and the waters not as clear.” “I see. So stop aging then?” “Seriously! Did you just hear what you said?” “I sure did! Stop aging. Don’t people say that age is a frame of mind?” “Funny what people say nowadays to escape the bite of reality. They can sure run but they will never be able to hide.” “True, but I’m sure that when reality finally catches up to them, that they will still be much more pleasant that you! Sometimes you see, it’s not really the prize that matters but the chase!” “The chase? What can be so rewarding about the chase when you know what's there in the end? The chase can only be enjoyable when there is chance, an uncertainty in obtaining the prize. But there is no chance here, the prize is the same, life only leads to one point and that is all! Life is serious, time is precious and I don’t want to waste either.” “You’re funny you know that?” “What!? Are you mocking me?” “Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. All I said is that you’re funny.” “What was so funny about the things I said, I was serious!” “Just that I don’t believe in it. I mean I don’t discredit the fact that life isn’t serious and that time isn’t precious but you just made it sound like having fun is a capital sin!” “People have fun too much.” “And I say people don’t have fun enough. They grow old wise but stupid at the same time. They walk around thinking that the world is at fault for all their bitterness and that life is full of insufficiencies. Ironic since all their lives, they fill themselves with concepts and thoughts and theories, thinking that that’s making them the best, that that’s what it means to live, but honestly, what kind of life is that? In the end, have you really lived at all? I play around an apple tree and I sometimes feel that trees are such boring creatures. All their lives, they stay put in just one place, never seeing the world, never being able to discover and run and play and move like
“Where am i?”
“Professor! Professor! O thank God you’re alright! Thank God!!! We almost thought we had lost you. It was just terrible, simple terrible. You are so lucky you were able to survive!”
“Water… please. I need water.”
“Oh, sorry. I beg your pardon sir. Here you go. I’m really so glad we were able to find you sir. It was just dreadful! I couldn’t sleep for days. Dean Nichols and I were like the walking dead! When the hospital called me saying that they found you and that you were still alive, I rushed here immediately! Oh Professor Jonathan, I’m just so happy you are alright. You are like a ray of light in a grim stormy night.”
“What did you call me?”
“What did you call me? What name did you call me?”
“Your name? Oh, my apologies, the doctor informed me that you might have some memory loss from the concussion. You’re Professor Jonathan Chase, head of the History Department at the
“What happened to me?”
“Oh sir, it was just terrible! It felt almost like a nightmare! You were leading a salvage project on the ceiling of a condemned cathedral when the roof suddenly collapsed. The structure was not sound to begin with and there was a terrible storm the night before. I guess that further weakened it, despite the bracing we provided. O sir, it was horrible! We lost two good people, and almost you. Finding you was a miracle, though I know you don’t believe in such nonsense! They almost called off the search really since you were smack in the middle of the heap and that they have been going through the rubble for four straight days but could not find you. They said it was unlikely that you could have survived. I could not allow it. I would not even hear of it! I told them that we will dig until we reach
“I see. And how are the families of those who were not as fortunate?”
“Grieving I must imagine. Such a terrible way to go. The school is handling all matters regarding the accident. I am sure they will clear you of any responsibility. Surely this was a freak accident, I mean…. It’s an act of God! No one could have foreseen this. Surely if you even for a moment thought that the safety of the team will be compromised, you’d….”
“Er, yes sir?”
“I think I will rest some more now. I am tired.”
“Definitely sir, yes you must. Get rested then sir, I’ll just, um, go to the doctor and tell him that you have awaken. I am really happy to know that you are fine professor. Really.”
“Could you be kind enough to tell Dean Nichols that I would be taking my vacation leave after I get discharged. Tell him I have a tree to visit.”
“A tree? Um, I’ll send word to him. Um, Professor Jonathan….?”
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
my aunt walked in, in her usual composure, sweet in every way. i saw her from behind the board yet still did not move. my paranoia said not to trust anyone. she took the board off of me. i feigned sleeping. she then took a pillow and started smothered me with it. instinctively, i took in air and put on a show to pretend i was suffocating. i struggled and i tried to breath. i went limp soon after, careful not to make my chest move as i slowly consumed my store. i died. she removed the pillow from my face and proceeded to talk to an unknown person in the room. i heard that she was heart broken, that this was the ultimate betrayal, why did we all have to die? i tried to feel for my family, i could only sense 1 cousin, my brother, the aunt who tried to kill me, and my mom, who was not in the room but i knew was alive. my aunt approached me again, propped me up and jabbed her finger into my back causing me to flinch. FUCK! i blew my cover. but she did not try to kill me again.
everything went blurry after that. i heard people screaming. i heard my brother saying my mom will make you all pay! i heard my cousin asking his mom, why? why did she kill? i heard my aunt say that she was just following orders, that we were all a threat and had to be disposed off, that we were betrayed. my mom barged into the room and the adults had a discussion. i overheard that below the room, in the living room, there were bodies everywhere, shot, dead. i presumed they were all family as well. i coolly turned to my cousin who was standing there... ur two sisters are dead. ur the only one left. i remember feeling calloused and indifferent. then i awoke.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
found myself chatting with a friend last night. the culminating activity of an entire day's worth of introspection. i had to talk to someone, particularly since i knew that talking to myself, not only would it mean that i teeter on the verge of insanity, would also not make me reach any new discoveries about the ills that have been bothering me all this time.
i was walking last evening to gym (i always do) and i realized, despite the "work" that i am doing currently, that i was still quite so, a bum. my earnings can in no way support the lifestyle i lead (and i live a rather simple one already) and all the dreams i had, none of them seemed any close to realization. i am totally at a lost and i feel absolutely helpless, like wanting to finish reading a real good book but realized i dont know how to read!!!!
i know there's a solution somewhere. i am a firm believer that problems come my way with the answer key attached in the midst of it, i just have to be diligent to look for it. the solution for this lingering dilemma of mine, well, i have an inkling is staring me already right in the face... i just don't think i am bold enough to take it. i am totally petrified.
i googled the title of this blog and came across a piece spoken by steve jobs for the closing graduation ceremony in stanford a few years back. i remember reading it before and decided to read it again. he spoke of 3 stories, of connecting the dots, of love and loss, and of death. these three stories made him who he is and got him where he is right now.... creating apple, pixar and being one of the greatest figures in modern society. reading stories like his is definitely inspiring, but also in the same time, quite frustrating. makes me wonder... where did i go wrong? why is he THERE and i am HERE?
is it skill? talent? luck? determination? inspiration? smarts? intelligence? money? what?! i really, really want to know.... what do i have to do?
my chat friend said i was just probably bored, that's why i think of these things. maybe. idleness always brings out the worst in me. i used to think that when i find what i really like to do, everything will fall into place. follow ur passion they say and things will take care of itself... hmmm, what a romantic notion. the same romantic ideals that i fought for that now got me into this bind in the first place. i think one of the reasons why i dont want to "face the music" is i dont want to let go of the dream. but what if the dream is just that... a dream? and life is screaming at ur face at the top of its voice that ur delusional, that there is no fairy tale. some men were born to be great, some men were born to be normal.... maybe that's me? or am i giving up too soon?