Sunday, June 29, 2008


since i already had a premonition that i will be having an uneventful sunday, i decided to have my weekend picker-upper on a saturday instead. i had work scheduled in the morning in makati and after that, i was pretty much free. not a few minutes sooner before leaving home, i get a message from a friend asking if i was free to go out. like a sign from GOD i tell ya! i text him back that i need to check something for work but have nothing else planned after, if he minds tagging along. he replies that he didnt. i willingly picked him up and off we went!

saturdays dont often come out as enjoyable for me. dont know why though. maybe since i work still on saturday or that because saturday just feel like any other day of the week. definitely nothing like sundays where everything kinda slows down to a halt.. that is, unless ur in SM, but thats another story.

my dear companion for the day was kind enuf to treat me for lunch. he said it was his post-birthday treat since he didnt get to treat me out. he invited me to have halo-halo with him a few days ago at this 24 eatery near my place but i was busy finishing something so i took a rain check. anyway, though i dont feel that treating me is obligatory, i just rationalized it in my head as his share for gas money since it was already freaking 60 buck to a liter!!!! after lunch, we decided to watch a movie to kill the time. movie we decided to see... WANTED.

i will not spoil it for u guys who havent seen it yet so i'll try to talk about it within lines as what's revealed in the trailer. so there's this group of assassins headed by morgan freeman. they hunt this guy played by james mcavoy since he possessed a "gift" of curving bullets. well, that's pretty much whats revealed in the trailer so being true to my word... i'll end it there. and o yes, angelina jolie is also in the movie....

now for my honest and unbiased review... i found WANTED a waste. it was good in the beginning as the movie kinda made assassins really look cool with their almost super human abilities. however, all the glitz for me kinda ended there. they just focused too much on how COOL the assassins were that the story (which to me had SO much more potential) took a back seat. they tried to go back to it every so often by it never really sunk in anymore for me. it got so bad that when they came to the climax, the pinnacle of the plot, i was not affected by it at all. sad.

the movie had great talented actors with morgan freeman and james mcavoy heading the roster. these are SUPER actors who can really drive in a story!!! but it seemed that their talents weren't so much utilized. angelina jolie on the other hand played her role well... she had her lips do all the acting.

since this is a movie about killers and killing, there is also an element of goriness to the film. it's not KILL BILL gory, but bloody nonetheless. as i was already quite disinterested midway into the film, i wasnt that much affected by all the violence. my friend on the other hand had a weaker constitution... he was half way down slouched on his seat hiding his view from the screen when i last checked on him. a few moments later, he suddenly grabbed my knee tightly! wanted to tease him "dude! wer from TONDO! we have violence for breakfast!!!". but i decided to be nice.

needless for me to say, WANTED was quite a let down. it had so much going for it with the talent to boot but were all never maximized. the story buckled in the end, the effects were only cool at the start and well, angelina jolie's lips can only get you interested for so long (and no, it was not because i am not interested in her THAT way. sheesh!)

my friend and i left the theater feeling drained and exhausted. we both found the movie a wrong choice and should have settled watching the hulk instead. anyhu.... i really didnt want my day to end at a low note so i decided to hit the gym right after. call me stupid, call me hopelessly addicted.... i needed my endorphine rush so SUE me! dropped off my bud at tutuban and rushed to punish myself for having cream puffs for dessert (i did, after lunch. another treat by my bud). my bud i learned later treated himself to goldilocks and some pirated DVDs. we all have our own vices :)

gay pride

today marks the annual gay pride day worldwide. most probably, on every city with a rather prominent gay community, there is either a parade or a roaring party. here in manila, malate is hosting its "white party" to commemorate the occasion.

since this morning, ppl have been texting me to ask if i was going. i reply back "i'm tired and have work to finish", but deep down inside, i really want to say, "what for?". i don't really have anything against parties, though i personally don't like attending them myself. something about dark places packed with strangers just makes me feel uncomfortable. withe regards to white parties... well, as i told my friend a while ago, the last time i was at a white party, i almost got myself trampled to death by hordes of tiesto crazed fans.... all of which ended up either muddied or bloodied.

anyway, the truth of the matter why i'd rather stay home than go and celebrate my individuality and ogle at very cute ppl at the same time is that i really don't get the entire gay pride thing. not that i don't feel proud of who i am, but really because i do feel proud of being who i am. to me, i really dont need a DAY to remember who i am since i basically live in my skin every single day, and i have every single day to use to celebrate being me.

i guess it also stems from the fact that i dont feel being gay makes me any more special than the guy sitting beside me reading his newspaper, or that girl by the bench who's waiting for her boyfriend to please arrive on time! so what if i'm gay? is it REALLY that big of a deal? should i have to join fellow gays to remember that we are gay, and that straight ppl are no longer vogue? that gay ppl have more fun? that we are more artistic, eloquent, classy, fashionable, educated and then some!? that gay ppl are also promiscuous, deviants, loud, crass, divas and all that other stereotypical crap?

to be honest... gay pride to me just makes us even more like outcasts in a world that is trying hard to accept that we are here. maybe i'm just discreet but i think a lot of the reasons why ppl have difficulty taking us seriously is because we tend to play into the stereotypes, and nothing really drives in the nail than during these events on the height of gay pride. of course i am not excluding the fact that straight ppl have their "moments" as well, that all the "bad press" homosexuals get are not exclusively homosexual issues. i'm just saying, by congregating in such concentrations, it's hard not to overlook such preconceptions. heck, i'm gay and i can't help but feel judgmental.

i feel rather frustrated since despite having such concepts already looming over our heads, it seems that we don't try hard enough to change it but rather, throw ourselves into the very misconceptions themselves and prove the narrow minded ppl that they are right. why can't this be the theme of gay pride? that gays are not what you all cut us to be? that at the end of it, when u really choose to see us for who we are, you will see that we are just like u. humans, men, women, seeking for acceptance, finding a place to belong, wanting to love and be loved.

was talking to my mom a while back and she told me something, her fears for me when i came out. she was afraid that if ppl found out, that they will treat me like i was second class.... a fear that i too know is true. to a degree i am thankful that here in the philippines, gay ppl are not that much discriminated against, however, i think what my mom was referring to was not how strangers would treat me, but how those whom we already know would react.

the world does not revolve around gay people, neither should my world revolve on the fact that i am. i have mentioned before in a previous post that my sexuality is only a piece of a far greater whole, a far greater whole that composes my person. i am who i am not just because i happen to like men more than women, i am who i am because i am smart, i am funny, i have a big heart, i love to laugh, i like to draw, design and cook, i love my family, i love God. i am who i am because of these things and more and i believe i should be viewed in THIS light instead of the small iota of a detail that i'm gay. that i believe is where true pride should stem from and something that we should have a day to remember it by!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

my kingdom for a horse

i have always been fascinated with horses. i guess it stems from the fact that i have always found it to be such a lovely and beautiful creature, strong and yet delicate at the same time. i remember still back when i was younger, when given the choice of which form of public transportation to take home, without batting an eyelash (yes, i think i was THAT na that long ago), i would say KALESA!! i loved being higher up than everyone else, being drawn by such a regal creature. highlight of these memories would have been the time where i was made to sit on the drivers chair up front, in full 180 degree view of the world before me, in close proximity to the beast that had me enchanted.

ever since i could pick up a pencil to draw, the horse was one of my greatest models. unfortunately, my skills at it were never up to my ridiculous standards. i found myself defeated time after time inspiration would hit me and i made my futile attempt in capturing this beast in its glory. that was, until i made the attempt again a few days ago. drawing it made me realize why i loved it so much.

i love the lines, how in life, the horse with its chiseled musculature bear natural, sensual lines. they become more apparent when she shivers and poses, her velvety skin hugging every curve. her pride is seductive, how its almost narcissistic. she has confidence in her stance, a controlled command of her body. a form studied, from the arch of her neck to the slope of her legs, always ready to move, always prepared. i love how her mane and tail flow in the wind, how she shakes them, seemingly to unfurl it of tangles.

i have not seen one in full gallop in person before other than viewing it on TV. its shows how her body in motion is as beautiful as her body in stasis, her movements elegant to the last detail. no wonder the horse has been the subject of such many tales and have been used since man came to be.


where is my fairly godmother when you need her. i have mice for her to change!!!!

prayers to all

my heart felt condolences and sympathies to all the families who were affected by the latest tragedy to hit our country. may the grace of the Lord and His abundant mercy be your comfort in these trying times. to all of us who watch from a distance in horror, may this serve as a reminder that we are all just sojourners in this world and that life is precious. God giveth and God also taketh away. it makes no sense but that is why there is faith.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


first and foremost... babati muna me. happy birthday ahya!!!!!

ok, now that thats over and done with, off to business. found myself busy with work and with friends this past week. why things just happened all in the span of such a short time, i don't know. i have so many weeks wherein i had nothing to do and nothing happened. now that i actually have things to do, THINGS kept happening. not really complaining here, i'm just stating the fact :) i'm actually happy being swamped. sure beats having welts develop on ur butt for sitting hours on end in front of the PC thinking of what to do.... (yes ppl, i had days THAT slow)

was talking to a friend last night. i met him a few months back online and decided to meet on the spur of the moment. it's not really typical of me to meet ppl just like that but back then, i was having a bad day and i just needed to get out of the house. since i'm not the type to just go out if i didnt have an agenda, meeting him was good enough of a reason i thought. it also helped that we were practically neighbors.

as i am quite an empath (or so i think i am), my reading of this friend, who i shall call FA, was rather perplexing. initially he felt distant and on certain occasions while we were talking, feigning interest. of course back then, i was too consumed with being pissed to notice. as i got to know him better though, my readings of him grew deeper. i noticed a lot of inconsistencies with his behavior and, not wanting to sound judgmental, flaws in his character. i'm not saying i'm a saint here now, just stating my observations. it didnt really bother me so much that time since despite the fact that i was still in dating mode, i never really considered him as relationship material, but his behavior intrigued me. he kinda exhibited erratic spurts of emotions that, other than being weird, was quite enamoring actually. so i kept in touch.

he would text me every now and then when he feels like it, asking me to call him at home. having nothing better to do, i willingly entertain his requests. we would talk about almost anything, from what he was watching on TV that moment, to how uncomfortable his boxers felt, to his frustrations at work, to his latest downloads, yada, yada, yada. why i even bother listening, i don't know, i guess its because with him, i have learned in a way to listen beyond the seeming nonsensical jabber. in the end, all he was telling me was that he was lonely and i was the perfect reverberating wall to bounce his voice and thoughts off.

last night was one of those jabber sessions again. it was a tad bit more special since we were also counting down to his bday, which is today (happy bday again FA). he also took this occasion to open up about something regarding himself, something that he said he'd been meaning to tell me from the start but had never gotten himself to. i was of course ALL EARS.... he said that the times we were "seeing each other", and when he said "he liked me" (he did at one point, a thought that i just kinda brushed aside), he was already in a relationship. it was kinda on the rocks and he was kinda rebounding....

i wouldn't really say that i was flabbergasted with the statement, neither was i appalled enough to actually scream into his ear till his eardrums bursts and slam the phone on him. all i found myself saying was "ah... now it makes sense!". i guess my answer also caught him by surprise. all the times he was distant, all the times he felt distracted, lonely, longing, evasive, all those times makes a lot of sense now. my curiosity has been satiated finally.

of course i had to give him a bit of a hard time for "fooling" me and making me the "other woman"! but in the end, i still let him off the hook and told him im taking everything in good humor. i thanked him for coming clean and told him his disclosure had no way affected our friendship. i'm not sure if his confession has cleared up his conscience though since he still feels the same, but i'm hoping his gesture last night lightened up his burden, even by just a bit.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

of typhoons and other storms

was driving to makati yesterday when out of nowhere, the skies suddenly opened and i found myself lost in a water bath! i tried not to panic but the sudden change of weather was just eerie. i continued on driving to the fort, at which case the rain suddenly let up. it was still dark and grey so i really didnt have my hopes up.

driving home i experienced the same thing. the moment i got off the fly over to buendia, i was again lost in the storm. it was rather embarrassing since, believe it or not, i was totally oblivious that we had a typhoon, more so, that metro manila was under signal no. 3 :) that's what u get when you decide not to read the papers and watch the news.

this morning, my got up at around 4am to open the gates for my brother (late night gimmick) and found the winds tearing through our (shanty) neighborhood. i found my mom awake as well since she could hear the tin roofs of our neighbors creaking in the wind, something that made her really anxious. i was in dubai when milenyo hit and our house incurred some damage. mom was just probably reliving those scary times. i on the other hand couldn't be bothered. i was actually happy since the storm brought with it cooler weather. i opened the door to my room and let the ionized moist air in, much to my sick delight. unfortunately, my insomnia kicked in already and i could not manage to get myself back to sleep. a few minutes of tossing and turning later, i roused from my bed and discovered that the ceiling in my room was leaking, part of the damage incurred from milenyo. great, i thought. got out the rags and the mop and started cleaning the mess. i now have a bucket as a side table and the feng shui of flowing water to keep me company, hopefully not too long.

i went online to check for the status of the storm and found a rather interesting article. ely soriano, religious head of "ang dating daan" and primary nemesis of the INC was arrested and posted bail on the charges of rape. get this, for allegedly SODOMIZING a male follower last 2000!!!! i feel sorry for the guy he reared, really. not only for the sense of betrayal he must have felt but to be reared by ELY!!!!?? like getting f**ked by a horse!!! poor thing. no offense to the congregation of dating daan, but i guess, there's no point in saying this. i'm also guessing the manalos are having a field day with this report!

not so little boy. i hope you're ok.

sometimes people leave you.... half way through the wood.
others may deceive you, you decided what's good.
you decide alone, but no one is alone....

Saturday, June 21, 2008

where men go to bond, 2

i had a great day yesterday, simply super!

i often dont get to enjoy my fridays since this is the time my car is "banned" from the streets. FYI to all you non-filipinos out here, manila implemented a stupid scheme to reduce congestion on the streets during weekdays by allowing only certain vehicles on the road on certain days, depending on the last digit of their plates. mine was a 9 so fridays are my forbidden days.

anyways, the authorities however gave a small window, 10am to 3pm wherein the ban is lifted everyday. i was supposed to have a meeting with richie, my architect since we FINALLY got our building permit (yey!) so we scheduled it around this time so i could drive. i got over to his place and what was supposed to turn out as a meeting just ended up as a gimmick day! :) i guess both of us were just in such good spirits that we just forgot that we were supposed to have work and just ended up hanging out.

our day started with a lunch date with melloida, princess from the west :) she's stuck at work and we were inviting her out since she just lives in the area. we had to be picky with the place to eat since richie was abstaining from meat in preparation for his colema (coffee enema... good LORD). our resto of choice.. ling nam along banawe. comfort food.... i had a big bowl of noodles and introduced lotus siopao to our converting vegetarian :) greeted ikki vikki a happy birthday over the phone as well. vikki still stuck in the desert but at least has company in the form of a long time friend who went to dubai on business.

after lunch, rich and i decided to go to makati to check out the site, just to make sure things were going on smoothly. i know i said we ended up not working but even if we went to site, it really didnt feel like we were. he also took me to another project site he was working on and showed me a credenza he built, his first attempt in making free standing furniture. for his first attempt, i have to say, i am greatly impressed! :) finishing his rounds, we then went off to his gym.

it was my first time at fitness in ABS and it felt a little daunting at first. had a shot of low self esteem, hehehe, what if i worked out beside a model? :) good thing by the time i got to the register (i was richie's guest), all such feelings have went away. it also helped that they CHARGED me 550 bucks to use the premises since i could no longer get in free. nothing drives my confidence up than stirring my cheapness!!! hahahaha, fine! i'll pay! after paying, they asked if i wanted to join. "what for?" i replied. i told them i already got to a gym and mine was more convenient. true, i was a bit bitchy but then, fitness first is really just high-way robbery!

i remember why it was i didn't like going to new gyms, it was because i usually waste so much time in getting used to the place, more so the equipment. my gym is small and you can traverse the entire floor in 3 mins! fitness on the other had was 5 times as large, with equipment so complicated looking, u'd wonder if u were really supposed to work out muscles or ur brain. trust me, when ur short of breath and ur body is aching, managing complicated machines can be deadly!

anyway, needless to say my workout wasn't as strenuous as how i'd want it. frustrating but alright. against my natural inclination as well, i tried not to let my eyes wander too much. this being abs, and fitness first for that matter, it cannot be helped that u get models and celebrities working out here as well. no celebs today, but models a plenty, a lot of them, not working out at all, which i found rather strange. a lot of them just kept walking around. one particular guy i noticed looked as if he was practicing some runway thing. he was good looking, a bit shorter than me and wearing a tight sleeveless shirt. he kept popping in and out of the weight room but not hitting any of the weights. i was looking at him from the mirror and just kept cruising... the moment i noticed him, i started noticing a bunch of other ppl as well who exhibited the same behavior. i then remembered something rich said before that he found it irritating since there were many who went to gym just to lounge. the lounge was true enough full. i then found myself grimacing since i knew that you can never "lounge" at my gym. the moment you show a decrease in momentum, for SURE ul start hearing screams from the old-timers working out not to "baby" yourself. :) its called "working out" for a reason they say.

in fairness to the ppl there, there were a few who were serious with their workouts, a raphael rossel look-alike was so addicted to working out his shoulders that i knew he was gonna have some form of injury in the future. those who go to the spinning classes also looked like serious gym bunnies.

we met rich's wife karts after gym and decided to have dinner at tomas morato and capped the night off with dessert at this bibingka place. i had so much fun yesterday that i really wished the day could be longer, unfortunately, richie's protein-less diet has him pooped and it was getting late as well. i had such a great time with them that i just couldn't think why i dont do this often enough :) (cheapness alert, as long as i dont have to pay 550 for the stupid gym, i'l do this everyday! hahahaha)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

where men go to bond

ever since coming back from dubai, i have been diligently going to the gym. it was something that i looked forward to in my day, most especially on bad ones since nothing helps getting all the stress out than pumping iron and getting a boost of endorphins. i actually have been going to gym ever since, even before dubai, just that i haven't been pushing as hard as i do now. it also helps that i'm more sociable now and actually talk to people while before, i didn't.

since then, i have made quite a few friends and now have mainstay gym buddies, two of them for that matter whom i shall affectionately name B1 and B2 :) B1 would be your 6'2 ex varsity player. works for a bank and is in recovery from a sports injury he got almost a year ago. he's been a member of the gym far longer than me and is quite chatty. funny guy actually. tall and lean, he has the waist line almost the circumference of my thigh! currently obsessed in getting a six pack and totally ignoring his already well developed assets like his chest and back, something that makes him look absolutely divine when he comes in in office attire. B2 would be the adonis of the club, i think. a creature who's sole purpose is to make people like me feel bad about how we look and thereby spend MORE money trying our damnest best to look like him, even if just by a fraction. perfect tan, rock hard abs to die for, chiseled chest and back, sculpted arms, huge deltoids and well, abs to die for. of course he also barely eats anything, works out religiously everyday for hours on end, hits his ab routine like his life depended on it and constantly checks himself in the mirror every minute of two, just to be sure if things are in order. a "bit" vain if u can call it that, but he's cool. he handles our insults and our banter quite well and is very cool about it. he's also more than helpful in sharing his secrets in achieving his state of perfection.

these two keep me company during my work outs. if you don't see us spotting each other during reps, you'll see us talking about almost anything from politics, to sports, to fashion, to their respective girlfriends to food. we compare workout routines as well and as all guys do, try to out-do each other in doing sets and reps. B2 would always win (damn). i enjoy greatly this sense of camaraderie we share as i now have a new social group i belong to, besides the ones i already keep. since these two have been long members as well, i too have been "adopted" by the more senior members as well. it's a small gym and the environs are quite intimate. i think i like this better as compared to the larger gym chains wherein u are lost in a sea of strangers. at my gym at least, u see the same ppl day after day. gym almost feels like home sometimes :)

yesterday, i found myself laughing my head off with a joke directed to B1 while we were both on the floor trying to do B2's ab work out. being a formidable group at the gym, we are often the subject of attention when all three of us are working out together and last night, B1 got the brunt of it. the latest craze right now is the upcoming bench underwear show go-see and both B1 and B2 are considering joining. B2 obviously could pass with is "300" physique, however, B1 needs to bulk up a bit more... well, that is according to him. no one is a far worse critic than ur own self i'm afraid, and after B1's many complains of how he needs more work here and more work there, he practically opened himself to the merciless attacks of everyone within ear shot. needless to say, he was butcherd with critiques from everyone who had an opinion, from this 50 year old guy who had the body of a 20 year old, to old time veterans, to the gym instructors. whatever B1 was trying to boost, i'm sure he left with it deflated and broken. :)

i never laughed so hard in my life, most especially at the gym, in mid workout. the comedic moment was just priceless and i really needed that laugh. i almost can't wait to go back tonight and see what today has in store.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

being ill and synaptic firestorms

i have been feeling under the weather these past few days. dunno if it's somatic, psychological or a mix of the two, all i can say is i am not well.

breathing feels laborious, i dont have my appetite, been having sleepless nights and my head seems to be always full. it all culminated yesterday i guess when my body really shut itself down and i found myself parked on the "throne". of course it did not help that i had a job interview yesterday as well. despite my condition, i made myself go to the interview and not allow the opportunity pass me by, just because i was sick. funny what distractions can do to you. i even managed to do some more errands after that. i decided not to have anything to eat and just allow my body to rid itself of whatever it was it didnt want floating in my system. of course, by afternoon, i was running low on juice and conked out till about 6pm.

long naps are never good. they make me stay awake at night, which happened. thank goodness for nat geo and red wine. i know im allergic to alcohol, but i thought, at least if i have a reaction, il be at home. besides, like im gonna feel any worse than what im feeling now. maybe a bit of wine can perk me up, i thought. a glass and a chocolate bar later.... i was still up. decided to force myself to sleep, only to find myself feeling even more "troubled".

i called out your name. He felt distant. i felt empty.

i think i am slowly loosing my mind. just a weird feeling slowly eating me up inside. feels like living in really thick soup. moving around feels very restrictive. my brain feels like its locked in, and it shows if the only way i can explain the feeling is that it feels "weird".

this morning i woke up unsurprisingly late. took my morning meds, went back to my room and decided to pick up a book to read. i started with a self-help book, moved on to an interior design book and ended up with my medical books on the anatomy of the shoulder. remembered a question ervin posed about the ligaments supporting the knee and how my concepts were all wrong. flipped to the chapter on the knee, and found out that i was not mistaken. talk about trying to enrich ones soul. nothing though, i dont feel any smarter, any better or inspired at least. and that same weird feeling is still there.

i'm blogging about it now. i hope putting this into writing can at least give it some body, some structure that i can recognize. a shape, a form. i'm sure iv had this before since the feeling feels a bit familiar, but it also feels rather new, almost alien. i need to be productive today but i'm starting to get really sleepy again. didn't have that much sleep.

a friend suggested i keep myself busy. buzz, buzz. bee, bee. beezy, beezy.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

the penseive

my blog is my penseive. if dumbledor had a pot with magical water, i on the other hand have a website with lots of memory.

sat in front of the pc thinking what i could vomit out this time, clear my head. can't really say that it has been full lately since i don't find myself walking around with a migraine anymore (a clear sign that i have been thinking too much), but every time i talk with ppl, most often than not, they comment that i seem to sound like something is bothering me.

i really don't know what to feel anymore. do i listen to them and really consider if there really is something the matter with me, or do i go with what i feel which is, i really don't feel like there is anything wrong? seems like the answer is pretty obvious but then, i have also gone through times wherein i was in denial. for all i know, i'm in denial right now, but then, what am i in denial of? what am i trying to avoid?

was talking to a friend the other night and as we were laughing about the weirdest things, i suddenly gave off a long sigh. no reason really, i just sighed and he suddenly stopped laughing. he asked what was that for? i said it was nothing, i just sighed. he said was there anything wrong, i said no. he asked again. i said i was ok. he wanted me to reassure him that things were fine and i said that they were. he however did not sound so convinced but he didn't bother to pry anymore. honestly, shud there really be a reason if one sighs? but then, after all his questions, it did get me thinking if there was something i was hiding.

i found myself reading through old posts i put up going back to almost 3 years ago. i remember thinking once that i'll never go read my old posts again since im afraid of feeling stupid of how i dealt with things before. i knew i often wrote when i get agitated or emotional and my words often get REALLY dramatic. i knew on the moment i wrote them, things felt very appropriate, but reading them a few years later after the situation has passed and you have grown (hopefully) wiser, and its a whole other story. i was however surprised though since going back through my old posts felt like visiting old friends. i did not feel embarrassed but rather, proud of the things i have wrote. the words, still impregnated with the memories that gave birth to them, still resonated with me. i wrote about a lot. hard times, good times, bad times, a lot, and after going through a couple, i realized, my... what a life i had lead these past few years. my, how i have changed.

Friday, June 13, 2008

the joy of laughing

i was talking with a friend last night till the wee hours of the morning and have almost forgotten why it was that i liked talking with him before... the guy makes me laugh. we were comparing profiles and also reading other people's online and just found ourselves dissing at each other's corniness.

i have almost forgotten how it is to truly laugh. how really chuckling and just giggling can lift even the heaviest of hearts. funny how this realization came about since i'm pretty sure, people would have though that of all things, THIS i should know. but it's the case of the sad clown seeing a shrink, even a clown needs a clown.

a change of atmosphere, a change of environs is what i need. enough of this weight and all this burden on how life will eventually come crashing down and swallow me in a pile of unrealized debris. hang ups are common and rejection will happen, but as my friend told me, life goes on. i still feel quite heavy but it's part in parcel of healing i guess. with all of this, i know knowledge and wisdom will spring forth and that could only be a good thing.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

no one is alone

Into the Woods (1987)

Cinderella and little red riding hood find themselves in a bind as they face the angry giantess who is out on a rampage, seeking jack for killing her husband. the woods are in ruins, the kingdom in shambles from the giantess' attack. the baker and jack sit up in a tree, waiting to ambush the giantess, all in part of a trap the characters have set. the baker, grieving for the recent death of his wife, a casualty of the rampage, and jack just realizing the death of his mother, bludgeoned accidentally by one of the king's stewards.

Mother cannot guide you.
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone. Truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you.
Halfway through the wood.
Others may decieve you.
You decide whats good.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.

I wish..

I know.
Mother isn't here now

Wrong things, right things

Who knows what she'd say?

Who can say what's true?

Nothings quite so clear now.

Do things, fight things,

Feel you've lost your way?

You decide, but

You are not alone

Believe me,
No one is alone

No one is alone.
Believe me.


You move just a finger,
Say the slightest word,
Somethings bound to linger
Be heard

No acts alone.
No one is alone.

People make mistakes.



People make mistakes,
Holding to their own,
Thinking their alone.

Honor their mistakes

Everybody makes

Fight for their mistakes

One another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right, Giants can be good.
You decide what's right you decide what's good

Just remember:

[Echo] Just remember:

Someone is on your side

Jack, LRRH:
OUR side

Baker, Cinderella:
Our side--
Someone else is not
While we're seeing our side

Jack, LRRH:
Our side..

Baker, Cinderella:
Our side--

Maybe we forgot: they are not alone.
No one is alone.

Hard to see the light now.

Just don't let it go

Things will come out right now.
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side-- [interrupted]

Monday, June 9, 2008

in recovery

my brother was kind enough to take me out on a "feel good" sunday yesterday. not really anything new with our weekend routine but i guess, after how saturday went, this sunday habit of ours was especially significant.

the sunday drive to whichever destination we are to go is usually the setting for conversations between my brother an i. these leisurely drives often get us talking about many a topic of mutual interests and sometimes, personal issues as well. lately, more about mine. i told him basically how my weekend went and wanted his objective insight into the situation. i have to admit, i am not really a good manager as far as life issues are concerned and despite how i also need to learn how to be more emotionally independent, i still believe that there is no shame in asking for more wisdom.

what his take on the situation made me feel a bit better as it just confirmed what i was thinking all along. it did not make the ill feeling i had in the pits of my stomach go away but it at least put my mind at ease, even for a little bit. owing to the fact that i have a really slow reaction time, i am expecting more of this "sick" would surface on the days to come. it however at least is comforting that i just have to deal with one organ instead of a tag team of my heart and my brain.

we went to watch KUNG FU PANDA which i really enjoyed. i have to be honest that i am not really much of a fan of jack black but this one definitely made me reconsider. it helped that much of the comedy was brought about by the animation, but still, the voices did a lot in solidifying the comic impact. i enjoyed it so much that it didn't really bother me that the theater was a bit noisy from ppl "watching too loudly", something that would often drive me up the wall. i guess if you like something, u cant help but just express what u feel and be in the moment. the very same reason as well that i suddenly felt like crying in one part of the movie.... wont say which.

after the movie, we went to have dinner at felix in greenbelt 5. despite being ben chan's first venture into the restaurant business, i have to say he is doing really well. the ambiance, the service and the food were all very good. i had pureed malunggay with tofu soup, baked oysters for starters, a garden salad with grilled apples and foie gras (the BEST) and grilled sea bass with vegetables and brown rice. my brother had the same but for his entree, he had lechon kawali instead. the food was excellent if i may say so myself. i really enjoyed the entire experience of consuming the meal, every mouth watering morsel was definitely a gustatory delight.

my folks were probably showing me a way to escape my weekend, have it end on a high note rather than leaving it at such a dismal state (where i left it). i love them for it. despite their apprehensions for me before, it is good to know that in the very end, they will still be there for me whatever may happen. praises for my mom especially. she may not understand a lot but that doesn't seem to bother her. her heart connects with yours and just through her simple, pure gestures, she was able to make everything feel better.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

mea culpa

what was to have been a remarkable day turned out remarkable indeed.

a sea of tears will never be enough, nor a thousand years of remorse
what has to be done is done and regrets are my only souvenirs
good intentions are never good, well wishes never well
apologies and thank you's eventually sound empty.

all is not enough, the feelings, my reasons, i am afraid can never be justified.
but again i have to be strict and remember, what needs to be done.
explanations mean nothing now
rationale, senseless
but truth always came with a high price,
and truth was what it was.

i feel evil. but it had to be done
it was merciless, but it had to be done
i was vile, cold and heartless
but it had to be done
for not to do so would have even been more sinister.

i seek no redemption, nor do i seek compassion, my regrets have already set.
i only pray that God show great mercy to you at least,
ease you in these hard, testing times
that He show you the love i did not give
the understanding i did not give
the faith i did not give
the strength i did not have
that you will eventually be well again
strong enough to seize the day once more
and get discovered by the one who truly deserves you.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

shortness of breath

i am a fish thrown into water but told not to swim
in these murky depths i sit, i wait, i wonder,
what is therein for me to see, hear, taste, feel, perceive
they swoosh, they swim, they zoom past by me
but i lay there waiting, waiting, waiting.

i begin to slowly drift, lifeless yet conscious
i am thrown to the side then carried away in an undercurrent
rolling, rolling, in the disorienting wave
until i am released into a pool of still waters again
left to wait, to listen, to learn, to know

i hear nothing except the sound of my palpitations
i see nothing except the vibrations of the sea
i am left in a void and yet i am surrounded by the void
an ominous being that overwhelms me
i scream yet i have no voice to cry

i panic yet i cannot move
i try to close my eyes yet they remained open
i try to shudder in fear buy my body lied in its stillness
as the current started again and i gently rocked
side to side, over, under, left, right

i am a fish thrown into water but told not to swim
i watch as people walk pass me on feet, in shoes
they run, they play, they frolic
on legs, strong, muscular and long
they scream, they shout, they laugh, they cry
as i watch them from my still upside down world.